another year gone by

The day I turned twenty three (just a few days ago), was hectic.  I didn’t spend too much time reflecting on how fast the days are spinning by, or how it really seems like just yesterday I was sixteen, with a million ideas for my future in mind…  and now I’m twenty-three, and still a long way from achieving the things that I’ve always wanted.  I’m just asking Allah on a daily basis for some seriousness of purpose, for focus and discipline, for an escape from cowardice and laziness and the fulfillment of all the potential I know Allah (swt) has instilled in me.  In a blink I will be thirty, forty, seventy… and wonder how so many days blur together and how it can all be done with so quickly.  This life is a dream; and the next is wakefulness. 

I constantly feel the need to do something truly meaningful for my soul… I feel like I’m on the right path here in Shaam, meeting people who are so much further along the path than I am  There’s a girl in my class from Singapore, whose Quran recitation has got to be one of the most beautiful I’ve ever heard.  When she recites, I feel like every quiet desire inside of me is awoken and my soul just sings.  

It’s scary to think that in short while, we’ll all be returning home as ‘the ones who’ve studied deen’; while so many deficiencies and inner sicknesses are not at all remedied.  I have a teacher here who says that we Westerners tend to be ‘messy’ – internally, spiritually, and I don’t want to go back until I’m all cleaned up.  How can I go back, having neither achieved anything meaningful for myself, nor with the ability to extend that benefit to others?  Invited to drink from a Blessed Pool; and neither satiating my own thirst, nor carrying anything to nourish others that are equally thirsty. 

 Wa maa astaqamtu, famaa qawliy laka “istaqim”? 

I was not steadfast; so of what value is my saying to you, ‘Be steadfast!’?  

 Pray for me and those of us here on the ‘path’, but getting lost along the way…

Published in: on December 12, 2006 at 5:05 am  Comments (5)  

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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Salaams shazzy! im glad i found your blog its like a get a little piece of you and little piece of syria at the same time! Inshallah youll be able to stay in syria for as long as your heart desires.I also wanted to say that i find what your teacher said about westners being “messy” intresting. but i think us (westners) being “messy” has alot to do with us being in a non-muslim country and not having Islam as easily accessiable as for example in syria where you can hear the adhan from the masjid outside your window. Inshallah one day I too shall be able to study arabic/Islam in a country were the majority are muslims. Your in my Dua’s always May Allah give you the best and increase you in Blessings.

  2. Happy Birthday 🙂

  3. happy belated birthday, shaz! totally feel what your teacher was saying about the ‘messiness.’ i think it’s the hustle and bustle, so much to do, so many distractions that prevent us from deep reflection in any one aspect of our lives… it becomes so easy to just live each day without really accomplishing anything. especially when you reach a point when your goal is just to survive the day rather than gain anything from it.

    may Allah swt allow us all to find our peace through Him, may He reward you for your struggles, soften your heart, purify your intentions, accept your actions and elevate you to the highest ranks of Jannah on the Day of Judgement. ameen.

  4. as salaamu alaykum,

    adi and farah, it’s so nice that you guys visit my blog (I feel so loved 🙂 and ameen ameen Ameen to all the duaas, for yourselves and for me… unfortunately I have a hard time keeping up to date with your lives because blogspot is banned here! but there are some ways around it so I’ll see what I can do 😉

    encrypted I still haven’t figured out who you are… but I have the feeling that you’re the chica I sent books back for with my mom? correct me if I’m wrong..

  5. habby b-day 😉 and hope ur USING ur present!!

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