The day I turned twenty three (just a few days ago), was hectic. I didn’t spend too much time reflecting on how fast the days are spinning by, or how it really seems like just yesterday I was sixteen, with a million ideas for my future in mind… and now I’m twenty-three, and still a long way from achieving the things that I’ve always wanted. I’m just asking Allah on a daily basis for some seriousness of purpose, for focus and discipline, for an escape from cowardice and laziness and the fulfillment of all the potential I know Allah (swt) has instilled in me. In a blink I will be thirty, forty, seventy… and wonder how so many days blur together and how it can all be done with so quickly. This life is a dream; and the next is wakefulness.
I constantly feel the need to do something truly meaningful for my soul… I feel like I’m on the right path here in Shaam, meeting people who are so much further along the path than I am There’s a girl in my class from Singapore, whose Quran recitation has got to be one of the most beautiful I’ve ever heard. When she recites, I feel like every quiet desire inside of me is awoken and my soul just sings.
It’s scary to think that in short while, we’ll all be returning home as ‘the ones who’ve studied deen’; while so many deficiencies and inner sicknesses are not at all remedied. I have a teacher here who says that we Westerners tend to be ‘messy’ – internally, spiritually, and I don’t want to go back until I’m all cleaned up. How can I go back, having neither achieved anything meaningful for myself, nor with the ability to extend that benefit to others? Invited to drink from a Blessed Pool; and neither satiating my own thirst, nor carrying anything to nourish others that are equally thirsty.
Wa maa astaqamtu, famaa qawliy laka “istaqim”?
I was not steadfast; so of what value is my saying to you, ‘Be steadfast!’?
Pray for me and those of us here on the ‘path’, but getting lost along the way…