I want to lose myself in these crowded streets, in the mix of strangers, unrecognized to others and to myself. I want to efface my self in this new, exotic place, until no one knows my name, and if I hear it I wonder at the strangeness of its sound.

I want to leave behind everything that makes me ‘me’ and become something else.

The manner of my speech, the shape of my smile, the slant of my writing… every ingrained habit and every natural trait… everything that forges my being. Indestructible prejudices, ignorance, envy, cowardice, foolishness, laziness, tiredness… wasted moments, unspoken truths, a sharp tongue and a sharper heart. Missed prayers, judgements about others, hypocricies hidden deep. Wounds, black and bloody, that have never healed. Sorrows, regrets, and grief. Unfulfilled dreams and broken hopes. Trivial facts and countless images before my minds eye. The life I was born into, and the life that was born into me.

I want to wrap all these things up in a plain white sheet and go deep into the desert, away from the travelled roads, somewhere between Damascus and Tidmor, until I find some desolate, lonely spot. There, I want to bury it beneath the brittle, dry soil, six feet under, layering handful after handful of sand on top, until the ground evens out and the desert becomes a single solid entity once again. And I want to walk away, and never remember where it’s buried.

I want to drink from the cup of death, but only a small sip – only enough to taste its sweetness. Only enough to become new again, with no past, no planned future, no restricted present. That’s all I want…

just blank pages, and a soul with which to write.

Published in: on March 8, 2007 at 8:57 am  Comments (3)  

The URI to TrackBack this entry is:

RSS feed for comments on this post.

3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. As salaam alaikum.

    These are very reflective words. Very nicely stated and thoughtful.

    Wa salaama,

    nuh ibn

  2. Wow I’m so impressed with your ability to express your thoughts in such an awesome way.

    I too sometimes wish I could start from a clean slate and forgot my past….but I know that God teaches us lessons from our past that will help us in our future and even though sometimes its painful or distasteful…if we change for the better and become stronger from our experiences…then thats always a good thing. Keep strong.

  3. as-salmu-alaikum

    This summer my parents have taken me and my siblings to Cairo for the summer. When we came here I felt so behind and ignorant, being born and raised in the U.S and only leaving it twice before, once to London and then to Damascus for three months I felt as if I lost some of the connection with my religion with Islam. And your words talked to me. I want to imerse myself and shed the skin I’m in and all the things I’ve done in it and soak myself in something better. But I can’ and so I must content myself with changing myself from within until I feel it throughout and I want to thank you for making me realize this and for making me feel blessed to have this opprutunity to become someone that can help the people of Islam mend, to become the ummah we are meant to be.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: